Filmmaker Jade Osiberu has weighed in on the ongoing conversation about relationship “specs,” arguing that telling a spouse they were never your ideal physical type is unnecessary and potentially hurtful.
In a lengthy post, Osiberu said she knows many people who are in healthy marriages despite not marrying the person who fit the physical preferences they once had.
She noted that such preferences are often shaped by cultural beauty standards and media influences rather than by qualities that sustain long-term relationships.
According to her, when people are choosing a life partner, those superficial standards are often inadequate measures of compatibility.
Osiberu argued that the real issue is not marrying someone outside one’s original “spec,” but publicly or privately telling a partner that they were never the preferred choice.
She said such statements can create a sense of superiority in the person who claims to have “settled,” while leaving the other partner feeling inadequate and constantly wondering if they are enough.
The filmmaker maintained that if someone’s preferences genuinely changed over time, they should acknowledge that their earlier ideas of an ideal partner were misguided rather than framing it as though their spouse failed to meet a lasting standard.
Osiberu encouraged people to speak about their partners in ways that affirm and elevate them, emphasizing character, compatibility, and the deeper understanding of beauty that can come through a meaningful relationship.
Her words …
“I know a number of people who didn’t marry their “spec” but are in the healthiest marriages I know. Their spec was typically whatever was culturally deemed to be at the apex of the attractiveness pyramid when they were growing up. For a lot of guys in my generation, it was the music video “vixens” from the late 90s/early 2000s Hip & R&B music videos with ‘coke bottle figures’ and or light skinned eurocentric features. When it’s time to find a partner for the very serious endeavor of sharing a life with, that “spec” is simply inadequate as a measure of compatibility and that’s understandable. The foolishness though is communicating it as though their partner somehow didn’t measure up to their “spec” instead of simply admitting that the idea of their spec was stupid all along and a young boy’s lack of wisdom of what makes a good life partner.
Communicating publicly or even privately to your partner that they weren’t your spec to begin with may seem harmless, after-all you’re just being honest. But subconsciously, it’s an ego trip for you who “settled” and for your the partner, it’s a chip they will always carry on their shoulder that to you, they aren’t quite enough. They’re missing something you had always longed for, so much so that you still consider it to be your “spec”. It’s an unnecessary mind fuck and a cruel thing to say about somebody who is sharing a life with you. No matter how flowery you are with the compliments that come after. You’ve already knocked them down several pegs.
If the point is to say your spec changed then talk about the stupidity of having a spec to begin with. Because I’ve never heard anyone in these situations talk about character attributes being their spec, it’s always superficial stuff. Or speak about how meeting your partner opened your eyes to what true beauty is. Speak in ways that elevate and affirm your partner.”
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